Favorite Song of Late October 13, 2007

Okay…so I signed up for Napster and downloaded this song. I have always loved Velvet Underground and Nico; “The Gift,” about poor Waldo Jeffries, still makes me giggle every time I hear it!

A few years ago I borrowed my younger sister’s car to drive to Spokane for the weekend. Libby has the best music collection, and all of her CDs were left in the car for me to enjoy. I pulled out Lou Reed’s NYC Man. When I heard him strum the intro chords, I sunk back into my seat, hand on the wheel, and enjoyed the 3:18 minute song. And then I played it again. And again. There is just something about Lou’s gruff voice as he sings the beautiful chorus and the simple, lovely guitar chords,  that gets me everytime. It really makes me want to learn how to play the guitar.

I’ll Be Your Mirror

I’ll be your mirror
Reflect what you are, in case you don’t know
I’ll be the wind, the rain and the sunset
The light on your door to show that you’re home

When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you’re twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
‘Cause I see you

I find it hard to believe you don’t know
The beauty you are
But if you don’t, let me be your eyes
A hand in your darkness, so you won’t be afraid

When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you’re twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
‘Cause I see you

I’ll be your mirror
(reflect what you are)

Channeling Mary Catherine Gallagher September 25, 2007

To sum up how I feel tonight, I’d like to share a scene from the 1993 hit movie, “A Thing Called Love,” in which Samantha Mathis portrays Miranda, a woman who knows a thing or two about struggle and triumph.

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? September 13, 2007

And here is what I really want to write…okay, so I make fun of the law of attraction, but I am one of the millions who shelled out $29.95 for the DVD. And I really enjoyed it! I have long believed in the premise of The Secret, the underlying message that everything you need is within your reach. Just ask, focus and receive. Now, I just have to say something, I believe that you get what you ask for, so I am going to put it out there into the universe…I want to be wooed. I want chivalry. I want flirting and romance.  I want to be swept off my feet. I want the coat-over-the-mudpuddle court ship. I don’t expect a sugar daddy, and I don’t mind occassionally paying for dates. It’s just that my time is very valuable and if I am going to invest any of it in a relationship, the payoff better be worth it!

Phil shared his intuition with me today. He said a man is going to come into my life and sweep me off my feet, and it is someone that I already know. Hmmm…I’m not a sucker.

An Update:

1) Play a really good game of croquet
2) Raft the Boise River
3) Picnic at Lucky Peak
4) Host a BBQ Party
5) Snap a bunch of flower pictures for framing this fall
6) Visit ZooBoise
7) Bike the greenbelt
8) Visit the farmer’s market
9) Make homemade ice-cream
10) Get Swimmer’s Ear
11) Get a sunburn
12) Make a sandcastle
13) Sleep in the back yard under the stars
14) Watch a movie at the drive in
15) Enjoy a really good summer ale on the lawn with great company and conversation.

  

The Poets & Prophets Were Right All Along August 7, 2007

Since the beginning of time poets have woven tales of love that keep us captive audience members. I am currently chained to the “Hedwig & The Angry Inch” soundtrack, again(!). I’ve been listening to it  for days now, and I just can’t get enough! The creators, John Cameron Mitchell and Stephen Trask, are BRILLIANT, weaving a modern-day tale of love on all levels, using Aristophanes’s’ speech (a eulogy to love) in Plato’s Symposium.  From the first time I heard it, ”Origin of Love” has been my favorite song. If you haven’t yet seen Hedwig & The Angry Inch, I strongly suggest you drop everything you are doing and get your hands on a copy right away!

So all this “love immersion” compelled me to read up on brain chemicals in love. Or… maybe it’s because I really like Barry… a lot…and yet, I don’t want to appear to be foolish in my relationship with him. If I can find some rational, scientific-backed data that explains my emotions, then by golly, I will. It all goes back to my BIG fear of appearing ignorant.

I’ve been reading about hormones and pheromones and oxytocin and the science of love. I’ve learned that attraction   begins with smell, and that pheromones do play a huge role in whether two will couple. This may explain why I tookBarry’s T- shirt with me on my trip to Michigan. Hmmm. My evening’s worth of research has led me on a strange trip around the Internet and I find myself reading (not-so) riveting details of the life of a prairie vole.

Love. Logic. The never-ending battle between faith and science, to me, is fascinating. It’s all just words, anyway. (And math. But I won’t get into that too much here…) Poets’ words are rhythm and meter, measurements of time, distance, space. A beating heart: science tells us its the measurement of life. Poets say its about love and faith.  Poets have told us from the begining of time that love makes one do crazy things. Prophets have told us that God said, Let there be light. And there was. And it was good. Scientists tell us of the big bang theory, which caused light. And for the most part, it was good.

And here, I have found scientific evidence to back up what the poets have told us all along: when one is in love, one does crazy things. What I’ve learned is that it all boils down to primal urges and that the poets were right all along. Even after all of this scientific thought, I find I am in it for the story. So if you want to know the meaning to life, love and the universe, turn first to the poets. Science will eventually corroborate the story.

(The image on top shows the brain of a mother looking at her infant. The image below is a brain scan of a lover looking at her partner. What these scans tell us is that certain kinds of love turn off different receptors in our brains. In romantic love, it appears our sense of logic is erased, which may explain why so many in “romantic” love feel they are invincible. ~From a study done by Andreas Bartels, PhD.  )

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Can’t Find My Voice August 4, 2007

The words are there but they are stuck in my throat.

There’s my ex-long-term boyfriend, Marcel, whom I have a child with. Whom, in a perfect world, I’d still love had circumstances been different. And because I don’t love him anymore, I don’t tell him that I love him. However, he calls me daily to say that he still loves me.

There’s Doug, my ex-husband. We have four kids together. I do love him, but the love I have for him has changed over the years. It started as a tiny seed in high school that sprouted into wheat. The wheat was harvested and taken to the mill. My love was ground into flour on the grist mill, added to dough and made into bread. It’s  totally rearranged into a kind of love you have for your siblings or really close friends. I don’t tell Doug this. I don’t think he’d understand.  

Then there is Phil. He is a good friend- a great friend- a person that I can have a conversation with, not see for ages and then pick up right where we left off without a hitch. I really enjoy my conversations with him, and I respect the shit out of him! He’s told me numerous times he loves me. In fact, when I talked to him today, he closed with, “just one last thing before we go. I love you!”  I have never told Phil that I love him. I really do like him, and I believe he came into my life because of love, but I don’t feel like I can honestly saythat I love him.

Anyway, he posted a comment on my myspace.com page (I know!) and I think it upset Barry. I felt a little awkward about it and I had to let Phil know. I was kind of sad for him, because when I called, he told me his girlfriend saw the post and got upset, too. We talked about love and how its difficult at times, but that it really shouldn’t be this difficult.

Granted, his struggles are different than mine, but I agree. Expressing love should not be hard at all, yet it is. I start to say it, but I can’t. I have never told Barry I love him. He’s never told me that he loves me. We have said, “I really like you,” to each other, but the word love does not enter the conversation.  The one person I want to hear the words from, and I don’t. The one person I want to say the words to, and I can’t. Why is this so difficult?